God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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