just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
