i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
