Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
