I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
