are you still at the devil's house?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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