Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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