nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
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its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?