Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
