Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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