From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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