i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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