well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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