Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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