Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
