ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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