I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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