I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
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Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
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It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
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