you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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