he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
