He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
