the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
