Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
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