I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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