i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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