if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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