Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
