Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Come share oat with me in your robe
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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