i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
