i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
