Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
