God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
