No awkward lesbian experiences without me
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
