when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
