8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
