david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...