Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Randomize