put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
