A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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