Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
