I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
