i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
try to milk me bitch
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