Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
