stop calling my apartment porn island.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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