haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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