I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
