don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
