Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
