Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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