if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
