Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
