i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
