I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
