you guys were way drunker than both of me
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we're making bets on your personal life
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
