i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
